Effing Dykes Gifts: Exactly What Lies Below (The Woman Fingernails) | Autostraddle

This can be a particular Guest Post by Krista of Effing Dykes ! Effing Dykes is actually a queer lady blog that's entertaining and wise and somewhat perverse and WE LIKE IT . Probably wouldn't be a terrible concept to put apart some time acquire drawn into an Effing Dykes wormhole, for those who haven't already. Just make sure you keep coming back right here to read through this article, because it's unique, as mentioned.

via ohcardigan

Hiya lezzers!

I Have had gotten marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…



Get friend. Everybody got your own pal? Great. Hang on fast to your friend's hand.

‘Cause it is a real story.


A Long Time Ago, once I ended up being thus newly gay I didn't have any idea I Found Myself freshly homosexual…

An meet older lesbians on now-defunct queer club labeled as Za's in Green Bay, Wisconsin (I was entirely merely indeed there to boogie) gave me some information:

1) Never ever start a joint checking account along with your fan
2) You shouldn't fake orgasms
3) Make sure a female's nails are thoroughly clean.

The a good idea lesbian was a student in her belated 40's, a generation up to now from my personal 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that i possibly couldn't actually picture just what it ought to be like to be so ancient.

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How sad, I thought. Here the woman is at a bar and she is outdated. I'm hoping Really don't become lonely like her.

Actually it fun to be the middle of your universe?

What somewhat crap I happened to be.

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For whatever reason, though, I was presented with from Za's that evening saying the woman three policies to me.

When I woke right up, I thought of these.

It absolutely was a lot like in The gold seat, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb tend to be recharged by Aslan to remember The indications. You shouldn't become you never re-read the Narnia boxed-set at least one time a-year.

Anyhow! over the years, i recalled the three life instructions the lesbian had trained me personally. Her guidance generated sense.

I never ever opened a joint bank checking account with any person.

We never ever faked orgasms again following first couple of instances i did so it, realizing I became, in reality, dooming myself to a continuous pattern of shitty intercourse by rewarding poor overall performance using my whines of "ecstasy."

And I usually covertly inspected a woman's fingernails before we slept along with her.

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Small? Check.

No rough sides? Check.

Thoroughly clean? Its go time.

But exactly why, nymphos? What's the big deal about fingernails? What is actually with the short-nailed lesbian jokes? Exactly What?

I am talking about, alright, I get it. It is more challenging to fuck with very long fingernails. You could potentially possibly puncture a lung or something.

But it's perhaps not difficult. I've had very long fingernails before for burlesque programs; screwin' with ‘em isn't what tough — you only remember to utilize the pads of the fingers.

Why was that lesbian so emphatic about clean nails?
You guys, she had been

I decided doing some debunking.

Undoubtedly absolutely nothing could truly occur in the event that you had gotten banged by someone with dirty fingernails.

via lesbiansftw

And then we recalled a story very terrible I would virtually forgotten it.


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Terrible shit can happen.

This scary tale involves united states thanks to my personal good-looking pal " Cai ," having seen even more snatch in heating than a kitty hospital on totally free Spay Day.


Cai was at Miami when she found a tremendously hot femme we are going to phone Katie.

Katie smelled like glucose cookies baking, dressed in a leopard-print swimsuit, had huge silver hoops that shimmered from inside the light, plus possessed one of many finest asses Cai had previously observed.

She privately texted myself a picture of Katie within swimming pool so she could brag, and I also texted back, "i'd strike that till my personal hand decrease down."

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Very, yes, Katie.

Cai took Katie residence that night. There was indeed some severe ingesting.

While undressing Katie from inside the half-light, Cai noticed anything she had not really seen prior to: Katie had cool nails.

In reality, Katie had a lengthy, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai couldn't prevent the psychological picture of those fingernails clawing down her back while she fucked Katie , thus animalistic sex commenced.

Cai also permit Katie bang their, despite the reality she typically never ever lets anyone do that. Exactly what the hell, she thought. Heading home tomorrow. Never see this girl once again. I will get topped for a night.

Why don't we fast-forward a few weeks, shall we?

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Some thing was completely wrong with Cai's "area."

Really, honestly completely wrong. It itched. It burned.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish material was actually oozing from it. When we say some i am talking about excessive. amounts. of. pus.

Cai refused to visit the lady-doctor.

Because becoming supportive is what relationship is about, whenever she said, we stated, "So you ultimately got the clap. Whorebag."

Cai laughed nervously. She went home, googled "the clap" and turned into convinced that she performed, undoubtedly have actually gonorrhea. She decided to go, for the first time ever (she was actually 28), to the queer-friendly neighborhood gyno center.

They didn't know very well what ended up being wrong with her.

They tested the girl for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the really works. Absolutely Nothing.

Cai was at some pain. She required answers. She was placing the ‘pus' in "pussy" for pretty much a month now.

So they offered this lady an ultrasound.


Vaginal tears. All over the inside the woman vag.

A significant load of rips.

Cai was basically torn to shreds. The woman insides happened to be clinging in ribbons. Looked like crepe paper birthday designs inside.

And every little thing – every finally inch – was contaminated.

It could seem whenever Katie utilized the woman fabulous lengthy fingernails supply Cai an energetic drunk-fuck, no body knew that her fingernails happened to be in addition a festering reproduction soil for bacterial vaginosis .

Really Good.

Cai claims to have now been a stone-cold top from the time.

My best friend wikipedia claims you can aquire terrible problems from dirty nails. Evidently, there are occasionally staphylococcus germs hangin' out, that could result in any such thing from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And you know what else?

Pinworm eggs.

S'all I Am gonna state.

these are generally pinworms

That wise lesbian ended up being spot-on with her life classes.

Never open up a mutual bank account along with your lover.

Never ever fake orgasms.

And holy mommy of goodness, browse a new trick's fingernails before screwing.

by crystal gwyn

Or perhaps you are condemned to experience the fate of Cai.


I Need To question, though…

Have of y'all ever before received any such thing nasty from another girl's hands?

Or heard about somebody who performed?

Or perhaps is this generally (‘cept for Cai) a lesbian urban myth?

My hands are inching to the travel-sized Purell bottle.

I would like answers.

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